Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Longest recovery of my life!

I had Zayden 5 1/2 weeks ago. I lost at least a liter of blood via a post pardum hemorrhage. I'm still not back to my own normal hemoglobin levels. I'm still bruising and I'm exhausted. More than just "having a newborn" tired. I have not bounced back well from his traumatic birth at all.

And now... Gall stones. Ugh! More recovery. And pancreatitis. I'm currently sitting in the hospital, bored out of my mind, without my kiddos, waiting. Waiting for the doctors to tell me what happens next. 

The pain started Monday at 12:30 in the afternoon. Motrin 800 got rid of the pain until the next morning. By 10:30 Tuesday morning I was in tears! I went into immediate care and waited. They said gall stones in my bile ducts, gave me pain meds and I waited. They transferred me to the big hospital in my town (the small hospital has a lesser wait time... Usually) and I got to ride in an ambulance. Woo hoo! Got to the hospital and waited. Noticing a theme?

At the main hospital they told me that I was facing a surgery and they would go through my throat to remove the stones, but first... More waiting. Oh, and no eating. I really wish I had eaten lunch before we left! I've had an ultrasound that confirmed the presence of stones, but did not find any stones in the ducts. So now they are saying that there will be no surgery, but I still can't eat. Thirty hours and counting. They are talking about no eating for a couple days! Now, I'm not food obsessed. I don't eat all that much, but holy cow am I hungry!!!

Currently I'm waiting again. Waiting on the doctors to tell me how long I have to be here and how long I have to go without eating. I'm on morphine for pain. I sort of just wish they'd give me something to make me sleep through the next couple days.

I miss my husband. I miss my kids. I miss my bed. Here's a picture of all of those things (courtesy of Belle Rose Photography). Because... Pictures. That's why.

Visit her.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Picture Me Baby! One Month Old!

Yes, I realize he was a month old yesterday, but he didn't sleep. He fussed all day.

At one month old I...

-still have baby acne.
-fuss a lot. No, literally. If I'm not sleeping or eating, most of the time I'm fussing.
-nurse like I'm trying to wrestle a mountain lion.
-am starting to get cradle cap.
-can roll from my belly to my back... so much for tummy time!
-am really good at holding my head up.
-am finally starting to notice people more. I still love my patterns though!
-love music. It almost always calms me down.

My parents wanted to pick themes for my monthly pictures so the first one is Disney! Daddy made me this Baymax shirt and calls me Zaymax sometimes!

And just because I had it on this morning and it fits with the theme...

Here are just some pretty ones that mama took because she loves to take pictures.

Look at those lashes!!!

Bellybuttons, Noses and Lips. Oh My!

#ZaydenFashion-Month 1

Instagram fun at FeildsOfFortune #zaydenfashion

Courtesy of Belle Rose Photography on Instagram 

yes! Pumpkins in April.

#babymowhawk and another Halloween outfit!


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Lessons From Zayden- Expectations

Oh no! A reading post! So many words...

I've learned very incredibly valuable lessons from all three of my kiddos (hence the blog title). I expect I will talk about each of them (the kids, that is, and the lessons they've each taught me). Even Zayden who is only a month old is already enlightening me.

About expectations.

I had many things built up in my head about a new baby, years before he was even concieved. Rationally I knew better. However, I'm more emotional than rational. I envisioned...

-Zayden's birth would be great! A home birth. This was the plan before he had a name. Before he was even a spark in our eyes. (Isn't that something people say?) I hadn't learned about home births until after I had had Lilly (no, sadly, I didn't think about how women had given birth before hospitals) and was sad to have not been able to have that experience. And Lilly's birth had been pretty great even though it was a hospital birth. So this one would be even better. Right? Right?

-I would nurse him. I'd do better this time. It would work this time. Maybe by magic or something...

-I'd cloth diaper from the beginning. Save the world from all those size 1 sposies! I didn't start with Lilly until she was 2. Think of all the trash I sent to the landfills. Think of all the cute, tiny diapers I could put on his bum...

-And of course, baby wearing from day 1. Lilly loved it. I loved it. We'd be great at it!



Zayden didn't get an amazing home birth. In fact, Z's birth wasn't even amazing. I decided my anxiety levels were too high at the beginning of the pregnancy to make ithe homebirth work. I thought for a minute again at four to six months that I might be able to make it work, but I ended up not contacting the home birth midwife in the area after all. It turns out that I'm rather thankful to have been at the hospital. I lost so much blood that my hemoglobin levels when I left the hospital were around 6.9 and I almost fainted... twice. Perhaps the home birth midwife would have dealt fine with that. I'm not sure, but I'm glad to have had the hospital staff that I did. And thirty nine minutes of labor? It didn't have time to be perfect! It was only painful. Extremely, screaminging into the pillows painful.

Nursing him has been such a pain as well! Like literally. I dislike it. His latch is good though he likes to show me how he can do it over and over again instead of just holding still. He likes to nurse. Nurse like he's trying to wrestle a mountain lion. My nipples hurt. And I have a mighty powerful let down so that makes my entire chest tender and causes him to nearly drown on a regular basis. It's not the amazing bonding (how do you bond with a fussy, constantly screaming newborn anyway?) experience that I thought I'd have. Everyone is different and nursing is hard. I thought I learned that the first two times. I didn't. The only thing keeping me going is sheer willpower!

There has been absolutely no time to cloth diaper the mountain lion wrestling, squirmy as all get out, tiny human that has come into our lives. I am lucky to get a sposie on him before he pees all over me, which he's done several times already. I have the cloth. It's cute. It's not getting used. Life goes on.

So, you'd think baby wearing would be easy. Most babies like to be held. Love it, really. Zayden does like to be held, but he doesn't seem to like to be worn. The last couple times I've put him in the Moby he's fallen asleep, but then woke up a short time later, screaming and only stopped when I took him out. He likes to be able to stretch. Not possibly when you are wrapped to your mama.

Please don't think this is a post complaining about my brand new baby. It's not. It's a post about me and my expectations. Me and my experiences. It's me reaching out into the World Wide Web to let others know that if they are feeling these things, they are not alone.

And for a positive not in this not so positive post... The one thing Zayden does really well? Sleep at night. He's an amazing sleeper. Thank God (or Gods... or The Sandman... whatever you'd like)!

And just for fun... His baby eyebrow. He rocks at the eyebrow thing! 

Life with Zayden

Z turned 4 weeks old on Sunday. One month today. It's been a quick 4 weeks/1 month, but I've also done by best to enjoy it. And capture it in pictures! My only baby born in an age where I can capture their face with a phone/device in an instant!

You poor souls get to see!

In the hospital we stayed pretty bed ridden and just cuddled to whole time.

"I wear bow ties now. Bow ties are cool." And superman socks.

Baby burrito

Tummy Time... I think I'll just roll over!

Two Weeks

I'm 2 weeks old! I like to nurse and nurse and nurse and sleep a bit. I fuss when people hold me. Today I visited my Great Grandma Merriam and like with everyone who visits, I fussed until I got to nurse almost the whole time. Grandma did get to love on me a little bit though!

Three Weeks

Three Weeks Old on Easter Sunday! I like to stare at contrasting things, like black frames on a white wall. I love music which my family thinks is awesome! Grandma Gail and Papa Bommer actually got to hold me for a good long while without me screaming! 

Four Weeks

We went on our first long walk today as a family. I enjoyed the scenery (trees against the sky) and the movement but not the sun in my face on the way home. Now my sisters are walking me around the backyard while mom makes dinner.

Stay tuned for my one month pictures!

Baby wearing-we'll get this!

I discovered baby wearing when Lilly was 2. Wearing a newborn is harder. The wrap Lilly loved (I had a diy moby), Z seems to hate. He'll be content for awhile in it but then wakes up screaming until I take him out, then he falls back to sleep on my chest.

First time. This is a wrap like a ring sling, but one that ties.

Moby-attempt 1 #zaydenscowl

A different Moby

The wrap again. And a super tired mama!

We tried both Mobys a couple more times. So far we haven't found anything that we love yet, but we are still trying.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Zayden's Birth

I have to say... More than anything I really wanted a home birth with this baby for years before I even thought about having another ("if we ever have another", starting when Lilly was like 3).

However... I have to say I really had a really good hospital birth this time around (by choice). Zayden and I had such wonderful people attending us. 🏥

For those who didn't hear the story... All day Saturday I was so tired. I was having contractions, and I knew they were more productive than in the days before, but they weren't regular. Sunday morning, the 15th I woke up at 2am with a start and a weird kick/pop that sent me to the bathroom (it wasn't my water breaking though. I have no clue when that happened). I was supposed to call the office before I went in. I didn't call.

Rog got around and got the girls around. We left for the hospital. At this point the contractions were regular, quick and painful. We got to the hospital and in triage they were almost one right after another already. The nurse wanted me on the bed to check my cervix. I argued with her about not being able to. When she did convince me, there was only a "tiny sliver of cervix left".

What proceeded was insane chaos. I argued with the midwife about not being able to lie on the bed. She stared me down. Lol. The nurse suggested hands and knees. I don't know what I would have done without her. There were like... A hundred other nurses in and out. I assume because things were progressing so quickly.

So, at 2:39 am after 2 or 3 pushes (the midwife asked me to slow down somewhere in there, lol) and quite a bit of screaming from me (which DID not happen with the first two at all), Zayden was born.

The nurses were great about skin to skin and other wishes, though we didn't have time to even pull the birth plan out. Such amazing support staff! The labor and delivery nurse (so much amazing), my first PCA (who dealt awesomely with an issue I was having and got really scared when I almost fainted on her), a couple of my RNs ( <3 ) and my midwife, of course. Must remember to write thank you notes. They were soooo awesome!

The only problems I had were with bleeding. He came so fast that I bled a lot. I had a ton of blood/blood clots after the delivery of the placenta. I lost 1-1.5 L, they said. And my hemoglobin dropped, so low they wanted me to have a transfusion). Rog said I lost a lot of color and he was really worried. I still am a bit pale, but I feel pretty good, considering.

So, if you've read all this... Thanks! I needed to write it all out!